Grief is complicated. To write about grief is difficult because my grief has transformed so much. No words can truly explain grief.
When I remember my brother, I see his smile—I hear his laughter. He had the best laugh. I remember our jokes, our fights, and our existence. We took each other for granted. I truly believed he would be here my entire life. I remember when he passed away, I felt in some ways I had failed him as a big sister. I wanted to go back in time and save him. I still want to go back.
Life can be unfair. I had to pull myself off the couch, get dressed, and walk outside. Walking outside was a task. I remember feeling angry with my brother that I was left with grieving parents—their cries echo in my mind.
In many ways, my brother is my greatest teacher. With tears in my eyes, my heart reminds me that I’m so grateful to be Tyler’s big sister. Even though some of his final lessons were the toughest, he prepared me for anything. Though, I question at times: is this even real?
